*This letter does contain strong language*
Letter to my friend Lyceum theatre
What shadows is when I last saw a play on your stage, Enoch Powell and the ‘Rivers of Blood Speech’ comes back to me again. The first time because I had left Uganda and came to Scotland as a refugee and this time as I remember belting out my play on your stage ‘Last Queen of Scotland’ what a honour that was and now I’m thinking about you as I’d hoped to one day be right back inside you, giving you my new play ‘Hindu Times’ a prayer to the Gods that no-one will hear except you and I.
Truth be told I look like the Asian Billy Connelly during this lockdown, and that’s no a good thing when you are woman. I have a proper goatee now with grey hairs in it, dinnie tell anyone, I’m just telling you because I know you will piss yourself laughing and everybody needs a good laugh especially right now. My sister was trying to get me to do them zoom calls again and I was like I’m not doing anymore zoom calls when I look like this? Those zoom calls do my nut in, all you do is analyse the fuck out of your own puss and then go mental, plus my sisters sitting in her mansion and I’m like get to feuck with your mansion zoom calls, anyway I was speaking to her on the phone she said that the woman that used to do my facial sugaring got done for drink driving. I told you my sister is a criminal lawyer, didn’t I? Well she said when the woman was getting done, and she was asked what her job was she said ‘sugaring’ expert and everyone in the court was like what? She said she was the most experienced sugaring expert in Dundee, my sister was like sugaring is hair removal, like a mid- eastern type of hair removal. I can’t bathered getting rid of mine no-one can see it. Especially since no-one is allowed near you. Everyone is going on about what they will do once things are back to normal, and its mostly going to the pub. I have a glass recycle bin next to my house and usually when I’m doing the dishes I see people you know recycle their empty bottles for a few minutes now they’re literally there for hours, now there’s a que so they stand there chatting cos it hoaching around there. My pals have got this virtual bar on Facebook called ‘Jim the Janny’s Virtual Bar’ and they get up and do live sets, its blinkin hysterical especially the comments underneath one woman was saying that my mate was so fast on the guitar he musthav been a berry picker back in the day cos his hands were going like the clappers, going like the clappers another guy was going on about the lockdown and asking people “is anyone else doing this on their jack jones brutal” The comments are so funny CHOON get the choons on People are saying “I’m steamin’ but can I say you are braw. Loads of folk are playing on there now, it’s a fluke if you catch your mates it’s so good cos they have their neighbours knocking on their walls giving them jip. Fun-D. I spent ages on the phone to my sisters we were sharing old photos it was so funny I said to my sister how come Mum and Dad had three kids out of four that are total toe-rags pure thugs, undercover thugs its quite unusual odds my sister said “it’s was cos we come from a family of people who don’t have their heads screwed on right”
My wee sister was a wee thug running about in dirty jeans battering folk left right and centre then one day we went to Douglas community centre which is where all the minks live. I didn’t know what we were doing there it was weird cos my wee sister had washed her hair, me and my Dad and my wee sister, she wore a blouse that had a ribbon and it was polka dot we went in this big hall loads of kids there and stood about then this man comes over and puts his hand on my wee sister shoulder and says “it’s you”, they give her this sash which says ‘Miss Douglas’ and she is crowned Miss Douglas in this beauty competition. This is late seventies there are no-coloured people in Dundee well a few only and this is a rough council scheme, and I think back to that day she was a wee Asian tomboy and I think that’s Dundee for you no-where else would that happen that they would give a wee Asian tomboy the title of Miss Douglas it pure wells my hert up when I think about Dundee in that way, I was so glad I was there for that monumental occasion, my wee sister was laughing at the picture as the other girls that came 2nd and 3rd were typical bonnie lassies with blond hair and tube tops on. I said to her you should use that story for your talk for work, she’s giving a talk about being a woman in business and Asian woman and is also lesbian I said to her to her your feucking pretending to be a lesbian I don’t believe you are, I think you’re a poof. I was pissing myself. She told me to shut ma puss, “Shut yer puss Billy” or I’ll ram it for you. Then I was like I better go do the dishes exciting times eh.